Episode 6: I can do anything for 12hours.....anything.

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

 What you see there is a statement of fact. I DO love my job. But, what you are also seeing is a, sort of, mantra, that you will see many of my co-workers muttering over and over to themselves  on a daily basis. To the average patient, family member, or visitor, we just look crazy. They offer us food scraps, water, and their spare coins, but we refuse. We have to keep repeating these words while staring at the spot just in front of us, until we get into the med-room, where we can burst open with profanities that would shame a sailor. Yes, we pediatric RNs are potty mouths....and inappropriate at times in so many ways...but my God, we are a fun group of people! We might spontaniously laugh, dance, and/or sing at any moment...watch out, we'll come atcha like a spider monkey on stolen booze!!!

 So, when we are repeating the "I love my job" mantra, which is often followed closely by the "I can do anything for 12hrs" mantra, it can be for many reasons. Sometimes, it is in dealing with the Darling MDs. I, mean, they are so cute sometimes.

"I know you just sent of the labs that it took you 8 tries to get, but could you draw another set? We forgot to add on the ANCA and we need a Vanco level. Thats not a problem, right?" No! Of  course not! I love my job!
Or,
"I just switched the feeds rate back to 30/hr, advance 1.22 cc every 5.5 minutes, until you reach a goal of 92.456/hr. If they throw up, put it on hold for 3 seconds. Yup that oughta do it! Thanks!" Sure! I can do ANYTHING for 12 hrs!!!

  A constant source of joy. The truth is, all jokes aside, I know that I have met some amazing MDs on my unit. They put up with me on many different levels, and I appreciate that.

I have to be careful about discussing some of the other parts of my job that make me chant our mantras, but let me make a few things clear:

1. No, you may NOT have a private room. IF you want one so bad, we will have one ready for you in 2015 when our new hospital opens. Can I get you a pitcher of water?
2. I will happily get you everything you need, if you could just cluster the items a bit, it would be helpful, though there is a huge exercise benefit in running all over my unit.
3. I wash my hands, and/or alcohol my hands, approximately 896 times a day. My manicures never stay pretty.
4. I think the kiddos are cute...until they start hitting, kicking, biting, and screaming unnecesarily. Then, I give them this death stare that clearly conveys that I am not impressed with their behavior. I often will not do this directly in front of the parents. That way, when their child stops crying, and is now just whimpering (probably in fear), the parent thinks it is because of their consoling efforts. Its important that the parents think they are helping. I am happy to let them.
5. I know we went through the discharge paperwork with you at 1045am, so why is your ride coming at 815pm? We have a discharge lounge. Let me introduce you.
6. Yes, I know your med is due at 9am. But, did you know I have 1hr on each side to give it and it is still considered on time???
7. On any given day, I have approximately 8 admits on my list in the morning. By noon, its 12, and by 6pm, it is at 18. Our unit only holds 36 patients, and I don't have 15-18 discharges, so do you think that family will mind being set up in the public restroom? It is the only room we have available.

All of the above (and so much more) aside. My patient's parents are helpful, my patients make me laugh, and nothing is better than working your butt off and hearing a simple "Thank you." It means the world to us.

Today, I played the role of "Flex RN." This position is also, lovingly, referred to as "Floor Biotch." I, actually, love this role, because I get to get my hands in everyone else's business. I get to make my coworkers do things for me if they want my help. No, I'm kidding. Plus, you kinda feel like a superhero, sometimes. Today, I was so driven by the addrenalin of leaving for my trip to Costa Rica on Wed Night, that there was very little that could get me down.

I have finally been on the Pediatric floor long enough to watch some of my patients "grow up." What an amazing experience. It is astounding to watch them morph. I feel so honored to do what I do, and to have developed some of the amazing connections that I have with some of the patients and their families.

SO, yes, I love my job.

Episode 5: what do when you're bored, but not really...

I'm bored.
I'm also writing this on my phone with my blogger app!!! I've hit the big time, baby.... Orrrr, my laptop is in temporary timeout for having a rude charger. By rude, I mean non-functional. The new one should arrive Tuesday or Wednesday. Oh thank heavens for Amazon.com. Am I right???

I'm bored.
This was a 6 day work week for me. I shouldn't count the day I get to hang out with my nephew as a work day, but entertaining an infant for 8hrs is hard work!!! Ok, well, it's probably more work for him because he has to entertain me. He does a solid job of it, though. Anyway, that means today is my only day off! And I'm in between friend functions, so I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, I proclaimed to my mom that I was going to attack my closet... Seeing as it is way overdue for being decompressed. But I met up with some really fantastic people and had a bottomless mimosa brunch this morning, so now I've lost my closet cleaning mojo. Doing that would help my boredom...
But, more importantly, is that really what I have become? I have been granted a few hours of piece and solidarity and I can't figure out what to do with myself???!!! Jeez... I need a vacation. Oh, that's right! I'm leaving for Costa Rica in under 2 weeks, so I guess I could start pulling things out to pack. That would help my boredom...
I even went to the gym last night so I didn't have to do it today. Should have waited (or be willing to go again).
Normally, I would be catching up on shows or editing pictures on my computer. Maybe I'm ill because I don't feel like turning on the tv, and we have already discussed the rude computer. Security!
I guess I could start doing my hair. No. Too early. I'm going out dancing tonight in the city. I am not sure why I'm going to go through the trouble of doing my hair, since after dancing it is going to become some awful sweaty version of my naturally curly mop. Oh, I know why!! A. I could meet Mr. Right in the 1st hr of the night, B. I might be in pictures in the 1st hr of the night. I'm always on the hunt for a new hot profile pick, eh? So, it's settled, I'll do my hair..... Later.

The solution is simple. It's nap time people.

Episode 4: Thank heavens for angry chick music: A love episode?

Let me be blunt. I am on Match.com. "Oh, that sounds fun," you say? It is about as much fun as I imagine hemorrhoids would be (really, kind of annoying). Here is the thing about online dating, people are on there to try and get dates. Wipe that shocked look off your face, please. So, we put our best selves on there, we might embellish a few details, or display our "ideal" selves, or the self that we would like to be. I have on my profile that I like to run. I DO NOT like to run. I ran a 1/2 Marathon last year (an AMAZING EXPERIENCE), but the experience did not convert me into a future Iron Woman. Therefore, because I have marked the "running" box, I get all of these matches that "also like running"!!!!! YAAAAY!!!!

Now, Match Gremlins, please find me someone who works out like a normal person (This means regrettfully goes 3-4 times a week, but would grab a beer with a buddy if the offer came along before he made it to the gym). Also, Match Gremlins, if he could have a DVR list that is consistently 72% full of shows that he wants to catch up on, it might make him more normal too. I do not trust men who do not watch TV/SPORTS/PLAY (a reasonable amount of)VIDEO GAMES. WAIT! No, their DVR cannot interfere with my DVR, so we are going to have to have a discussion about this. Anyway, Match Gremlins, maybe if you added a section on the profile for people to give clues that they are not superhumans, this "REAL" woman would appreciate it. Oh, and I am sorry about feeding you after midnight and spilling my water on you. Please stop sending me freaks, 50 year olds, and men that are so full of themselves that they post a picture of themselves ontop of a Mountain with their shirts off (Match.com is NOT an Old Spice commercial).

I know that people have had success on these websites, and if I didn't have hope, I would not be on the site. If nothing else, I am learning more about myself and my likes and dislikes, as well as, what I am looking for in a date, or a person who gets to spend time with me. That is worded correctly, by the way. The thing is, that I have decided that if a man is interested and wants to hang out with me, then he is darn lucky. This is not ego. This is about recognizing that I have a lot to offer and bring into a realationship/partnership/friendship. Twelve years ago, I remember feeling like it was personal when a boy wasn't interested in me, romatically. It might have been the case, sometimes. Now, in my wise old age of 32, after having more experience, going through a divorce, and beginning the dating process again, I have realized, "ITS NOT ME, ITS YOU!!!!" If you do not want to date me, it is A-OK. If you can't recognize the awesomeness, then someone else will, SUCKA!!!! There are other fish in the sea.

Let me, quickly and briefly, touch on the phrases, "There are other fish in the sea," and "You have to kiss a lot of Frogs..."  Does anyone else see the theme that we are correlating the male population with beings that are cold, slimey, and have scales or warts???? Let me be clear, I am not looking for any old Clown fish (Thankfully, Nemo has been found), I am looking for a rare species. One that has character and ambition. This fish has to know a good thing when he sees it and it should be easy. Plus, he has to want to be hooked.....
About kissing frogs.....Seriously? We have to KISS the frog before he turns into a PRINCE? This sounds like a lot of work... and will require a trip to Costco for a tub of mouthwash and the gigantor Crest tube. I guess I better renew my membership.

You see, it is important to know that I obsess about a lot of crap. It is the curse of the commute. Every ounce of me wants to know why? What did that mean? Will it happen again? How can I start preparing myself for him not calling me again? I should get pedicures weekly, just in case. Why didn't he email me back? Was it something I said? This kind of thinking is what gets me in trouble. I know I am not alone in my neurosis, by the way. Admit it!

I read a book, recently, that attempted to get me to think about how the male population thinks about dating. Holy crap.....we are 2 different creatures. In the end, it is clear to me that men, for the most part, know what they want in a woman they want to date, and in a woman that they want to marry. These 2 things can overlap, but they have to have the time to process that the woman that has the "dating" qualities, also has the "marriage" qualities, WTF??!?!?! So, the author wants me to make a list. Write down everything I could ever want in a man, then pull out the "must haves." I can do this, I just have to run to Staples to get a binder and a 500pack of lined paper. I'm kidding.....maybe I just need a composition booklet.

One other take home message.... If he is interested, he will make contact. SO simple. A little hard to swallow. I might take up witchcraft or voodoo. Thank God for Pink and Kelly Clarkson, et al.....with out them, I would have no angry chick music to sing at the top of my lungs when I am feeling, particularly, frustrated with my dating experiences or relationship status.

I am not in a place, yet, where I am suffering, severely, from missing romantic love. I keep my head up, a smile on my face, and a touch of makeup, just in case.  At this point in my life, I am fullfilled with so many other loves. I know I am loved and I give love back on a daily basis. I am also learning to speak the language of love to myself....my bathroom mirror gets pretty steamy at times.

Today, I loved each and every one of my coworkers (even most of the doctors....NOT ALL). I get to deal with these little resilient beings (the patients) at work that melt my heart every day. I love what I do, and I rarely dread going to work. Tomorrow, I get to go spend the day with the most important little man in my life, Arthur (my nephew). He thinks I'm hilarious. He is, clearly, very smart. My "Official" Valentine was my best friend, Carissa's, daughter, Aubrey. She asked me to be her Valentine and followed it with telling me she loved me...Ummm, best Valentine ever! I need to put a plug in for my friends kids and my cousin's kids. My friends and cousins have the best kids. They all act like they love me. Such an ego boost, really...Or, it could be that I am really immature and they think I am just a ginormous 5 year old.

(Arthur, my favorite photography subject)

There isn't enough blog-space for me to talk about the love that I receive from my family. My parents are 2 of the most giving people I know. They give me, what I imagine, is the best example of what unconditional love could be. Lets face it, I can be pretty ornery, but they keep coming back. So, either they are crazy, or they think I am going to win the lottery and they will receive a big payout, or they love me a whole lot without exception. I think its the latter, and its mutual. I love you, parents.

So, in the end, romantic love feels good, I remember that well. But it isn't the end of the world that I don't have it right this minute. I have every other kind of love imaginable.

(I took this last Saturday from the Ferry. It is NOT in black and white....this was the color of SF from the bay. Isn't she gorgeous? I love this city)

The "Real" Episode 3: Its ok to softly close a door, to make room for others to open, right?

Ok, so if there is one HUGE thing I have learned in this last year of newfound single"dumb", its that a door slammed shut, and a million opened up. When I say that door slammed, I mean it rattled the house....closed. Done. Finite. No Mas. But, then there were little angels singing (also known as my family, friends, and therapist), and their song sang "YOOOOOU Aaare GOOOOING TOOOOO BEEEEEE OOOOKKKKK!!!!" It was in 8 part harmony (I'm not sure if that is possible), and there was even a little hip hop exerpt....so cool. But, I digress.

I felt a little suffocated by my own panic for the future, at first. A little trip to Hawaii, helped that (Thanks Mikey). Because, lets face it, if we could all melt our biggest problems away with a trip to Hawaii with a lifelong friend (I think we are going on 17years?), this world would be a much more relaxed and tan place. It was luck and timing all rolled into one.

 (Aren't we precious...we needed a seperate closet for his scarves...)

Ok, so back to the initial panic moment... when I called my BF, Carissa, to tell her that my marriage was ending, through my hysterics, I asked her if I could borrow her children, in case I didn't get the opportunity to have my own. Oddly, she jumped at the idea. So all these questions popped into my head... Will I meet someone else? Will I get to have kids? What happens next? What will happen with Clayton (my step-son from the marriage...FYI)? Dating?? Really?? I hated dating!  The answer was simple...DAWN, JUST BREATHE!!!!

(They are so cute...Why would she want to give them away???)

 So, breathing, hmmm....Well, it turns out we all do it naturally. Apparently, it isn't really that hard. Self discovery, being in one's own body is not something we humans do well, but I'm learning that taking a moment to breathe, noticeably, can add 1 moment of stress reducing clarity into my life. Sometimes, I will even breathe for 5 moments. What can I say? I am a rebel.

 I am a firm believer that we can establish our own destiny. That can be a fine scope to a broad spectrum destiny. You can look in the mirror in the morning and see every fat roll, wrinkle, weird hair that wasn't there yesterday, because we all do it. BUT, what if we all looked in the mirror just once a day and said, "You are amazing! And here is why....." (fill in the blanks...Mad Libs, of sorts)??? Fake it until you make it? Maybe. But when I put on a smile on a day that doesn't really deserve a smile, I feel better. That is my destiny for that day. I will smile and crack jokes so you smile...I will fake it until I make it.

(Isn't it beautiful? My amazing and beautiful friend, Amy, found this and took a picture...it is now my lock screen picture on my phone) 

 I am still figuring out what I want my destiny to be. That is why I keep opening doors. I can be kind of a "yes-woman", of sorts sometimes (exhausting). I recently came to the conclusion that not all doors need to be slammed shut, but rather, just a soft close. Lets just tuck it away, in the back of that filing cabinet in our brains. Its a great little filing cabinet because you might never need to access it, but its there just in case. If I can softly close doors, then I can clear my brain of all the nonsense crap that isn't worth the energy at this particular moment. Though, there is plenty of other rambling crap that moves right in...DAMN OSMOSIS!

( Isn't this door grreeat?! Look where the knob is? I took this pic in WONDERFUL Ireland)

So, on this road to self discovery/destiny seeking/door-opening awesomeness, I am learning to be amazing, as I define it. That is the sum of it all.  Now its your turn, go open some doors and be amazing this week!!!

GO SUPERBOWL COMMERCIALS!!!!

(P.S.....I was in a peptalk kind of mood this week, more for me than you, but I hope you benefitted from it as well...BRING ON THE WEEK!!!!)

(Breathe)